Spring 2025 Issue

Children and Family: How Children Cope With a Parent’s Affair
By Debbie Akerman, PhD, LCSW, CSAT, and Daniel Pollack, MSW, JD
Social Work Today
Vol. 25 No. 2 P. 8

An affair. A fling. Unfaithful. If the person is married, whatever term is used, it means the same thing. While cheating on your spouse is not illegal in most states, in some, it is, though the statutes are rarely enforced.

According to Negash and Morgan,1 infidelity is defined as two people engaging in an emotional or sexual relationship with a secondary partner. This definition extends to cybersex infidelity as well. According to Caitlin Flannigan,2 “When a man begins a secret, solicitous correspondence with a beautiful and emotionally needy single woman, he has already begun to cheat on his wife. … Adultery is not about sex or romance. Ultimately, it is about how little we mean to one another.”

What is the prevalence of affairs? Estimates of infidelity could be as high as 33%, yet that could be conservative as well.1 When children find out a parent is having an affair, how can they best cope? Social workers stand in a unique position to help children and families navigate this complex situation. The NASW Code of Ethics is based on six unique foundations. Two of these six foundations are the dignity and work of each person and the importance of relationships. Examining the Code further, social workers strive and pledge to treat each individual with care and respect, modeling this to all. This becomes necessary when dealing with the various parties involved in the emotional pain and turmoil of an extramarital affair, and more so when helping navigate the raw and complicated emotions of children. Under the value of the importance of human relationships, social workers recognize the importance of relationships as a conduit for change. Social workers seek to strengthen broken relationships and to “promote, restore, maintain, and enhance the well-being of individuals, families,” etc.3 It is often through the work of social workers that the fractured family unit can begin some healing and move towards a new normal.

The helping philosophy of social work—an ecological framework known as the person in the environment—is central to how treatment plans are formulated. Working with the premise that the environment presses on the individual and the individual presses on the environment, social workers are keenly aware that the environmental press has as much to do with how a person behaves as does an individual’s genetic predispositions. For example, volatility and irritability need not necessarily be signs of illness, yet may be symptoms of stress caused by stressors or traumas in one’s life. Nagesh and Morgan state that symptoms of trauma and grief, along with guilt, anxiety, fear, worry, depression, shock, and aggression, are all common. Additionally, anger and confusion may accompany the numerous questions that are sure to swirl around in the child’s head. Does the other parent also know? Should, and will, the child tell their other siblings, best friends, teacher, or other relatives? In what other ways is the child’s world affected?

Developmental Impacts
Having an affair as it relates to children presents several complex issues that encompass development, family dynamics, and human sexuality. To begin, human sexuality, although a biological/emotional phenomenon that is inherent to all individuals, is both powerful and delicate at the same time. Despite the inundation of sexual materials available to ever-increasing young audiences, sex and sexual matters are not—nor should they be—a part of a child’s world until the child can handle the emotional component of it. Working within this framework, most children are uncomfortable with the subject of their parents’ sexuality. The dynamic between parent and child is such that ideas of intimacy are more often discussed with peers or a trusted mentor. Exposing children to an affair can confuse the child in terms of sexuality associated with commitment and love. Furthermore, affairs tend to be cloaked in secrecy and lies. As such, these not only confuse and anger the child but also model for the child the validation of lying. Essentially, an act that can and should produce positive feelings may now be shrouded in secrecy, deceit, and shame.

Regarding family dynamics, the knowledge of an affair may necessitate the child picking sides in the marital relationship and likely damaging one or both of the parental relationships. Anger at the parent having an affair and misplaced anger at the other parent for not behaving in the way the child perceives a spouse should behave often ensues. If the child is sworn to secrecy, the guilt that the child is forced to carry may prove to be a burden that is too large for their emotional shoulders. Involving a child in a strictly adult matter also results in the child being parentified. That is to say, the child is forced to act as the adult in the relationship, missing key developmental milestones. The child in this scenario not only has to care for the emotional needs of its parents but also carries shame due to their ego-centricity. The emotional makeup of children and their necessary egocentric view of the world make it very difficult for children to look at their parents as people with issues to solve. Indeed, they may interpret one parent’s indiscretion as an act of aggression against the whole family, not only against the other parent. Consequently, an affair often elicits powerful and confusing feelings of abandonment and rejection. Sadly, a tangential consequence of parental infidelity is that their children may be less likely to have a successful marriage.

Miller discusses the consequences of parental infidelity on adult relationships.4 Themes of repeated infidelity in their relationships, trust and communication problems, secret-keeping, and other forms of avoidance emerge in adult clients. Miller notes that infidelity destroys the idea of marriage and the dreams that come with parenting and family. Not only were these illusions shattered but basic trust dissolved as parents placed their own needs above the emotional needs of their children. Further, the literature indicates that for women, having one unfaithful parent may result in narcissistic characteristics and a tendency to be cheated on in their relationships.4

How Social Workers Can Help
An affair is seen by some as no more than another relationship between two consenting adults. With the dramatic rise of online pornography and sex addiction in general, many children may not seek help until adulthood. In a groundbreaking book, Kenneth Adams, PhD, CSAT-S, wrote the first text discussing the effects on adult children of sex addicts. A Light in the Dark: The Hidden Legacy of Adult Children of Sex Addicts delves into the topics of trauma, carried shame, divided loyalty, confusion, and a lack of boundaries in sexual relationships regarding adult children of sex addicts. The first of its genre, this body of literature is sure to expand as the sequelae of affairs, infidelity, and sex and porn addiction in children become more widely studied and discussed.

When facing this devastating event, social workers should help their clients focus on certain coping skills to help mitigate shame and trauma, including the following:

1. Answer questions honestly and age appropriately. Children do not need sordid and specific details. They do need reassurance that no matter what happens, there are two parents who love them and who want to continue to care for them.

2. Young children and adolescents may have a large amount of anger regarding the affair. This anger will often be directed at the parent having the affair, the other parent for not preventing the affair, and the participant in the affair. It is imperative to listen and validate the angry feelings. Negating the angry feelings invalidates the legitimate feelings of the child.

3. As difficult as it may be, do not denigrate, insult, or malign the parent who had the affair. Children and parents have a vastly different dynamic than partners and parents do, and they should never be embroiled in the relationship between two adults. Research indicates that when parents split, the damage caused to children by one parent speaking poorly of the other is long-lasting and highly detrimental.

4. If children are experiencing bullying or being ostracized by peers, meet with teachers, principals, local clergy, etc to advocate for the child and put an end to this form of stigma and cruelty.

5. It is important not to let the parents’ feelings of shame and judgment filter down to the children. There are parents who are unaware of their feelings of codependency. These feelings, when not expressed and processed, can be projected onto the children.

6. Do not assume that just because a parent has a new love interest that is all-consuming, that person will be loved by the children. Children may not like the new partner and may resent the new partner in ways that are irrational by projecting their anger at the situation in which they find themselves. The new relationship should not be forced upon the children. Do not attempt to create a Brady Bunch scenario where the blended family magically appears, bonds, and creates positive memories. The family dynamic in blended families takes years to gel. Forcing this can lead to resentment both of the partner and the family.

Children should never have to pay for the actions of their parents.

— Debbie Akerman, PhD, LCSW, CSAT, is a professor at Yeshiva University’s School of Social Work. She has many years of experience counseling those with addiction issues and trauma. Contact: hannah.akerman@yu.edu.

— Daniel Pollack, MSW, JD, is a professor at Yeshiva University’s School of Social Work. He was also a commissioner of Game Over: Commission to Protect Youth Athletes, an independent blue-ribbon commission created to examine the institutional responses to sexual grooming and abuse by former USA Gymnastics physician Larry Nassar. Contact: dpollack@yu.edu.

References
1. Negash S, Morgan ML. A family affair: Examining the impact of parental infidelity on children using a structural family therapy framework. Contemp Fam Ther. 2016;38:198-209.

2. Flanagan C. Why marriage matters. TIME. Published July 13, 2009 https://content.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1908434,00.html

3. National Association of Social Workers. NASW Code of Ethics. https://www.socialworkers.org/About/Ethics/Code-of-Ethics. Updated 2021.

4. Miller LD. Seeking the hiding: Working through parental infidelity. Clin Soc Work J. 2016;44:252-264.